My Second Pregnancy… and Miscarriage

I am pregnant!

No, not with a burger. With a human child, for the second time. Yep, our first son will be under two years old when we deliver. What was I thinking, you askWeeelll, I totally wasn’t. Have you seen my husband?😅😍Ya can’t resist such a hunky piece of man who loves you, change as many diapers as you did, doesn’t care about all the flabby loose skin hanging around your body, and just got a hair cut (insert many inappropraite emojis here)

On a more serious note though, this pregnancy was a weird one to come to terms with because I found out I was pregnant shortly after I was told I had been pregnant and had a miscarriage. I have heard miscarriages happen all the time, many times with no medical explanation for it. There wasn’t any for mine. I do really believe though, that my body was under a lot of stress and just wasn’t healthy enough to be pregnant at the point. 

I had my first child in January of 2018. I was bottle-feeding breast milk that I pumped (if you are a solely pumping mom, you know you do that 8 times a day), and was working a 9-5. I went back to work some 3 weeks after delivery not giving my body enough time to heal and recover fully from my c-section. That with some other external and internal factors all took such a toll on me and my body. My hormones were all over the place and my emotions were a roller coaster. I was so stressed out and struggling so hard to keep my head above water. I’m a pro at smiling through my pain and have mastered my calm-on-the-surface look so you couldn’t have noticed.

The doctor couldn’t pinpoint when I was pregnant or how long we carried it for before it miscarried but we assume it was in October. Quick timeline – I got my period back in September, 8 months after delivery. Pretty normal cycle. I also got my period in October. Seemed pretty normal to me except, I had slightly more cramps than I’m used to and it lasted longer than usual. Obviously, didn’t pay that any mind, I assumed it was being a weird cycle as a result of just having given birth, still breastfeeding, stress, etc. Also, I was busy working and taking care of my 8 month old. Also, Eve ate that apple so I naturally presume I deserve a little pain…😏🧐 In about mid November, when I visited my PCP, due to some abdominal pain I was having (and google freaking me out), they confirmed I had been pregnant and miscarried. My HCG levels were high which meant it was a very recent pregnancy. So that “period” in October must have been the miscarrying. 

Then, we found out we were pregnant a few weeks later. You can imagine how jumbled up my emotions were. I hadn’t finished processing the miscarriage, I didn’t know if I was sad or not. I’m still not sure I know now. I didn’t know what to make of this new pregnancy, I didn’t know how to feel. There are ways you think you should feel about a miscarriage and/or a pregnancy and I wasn’t sure I was feeling any of that. It was all a lot to process and it was hard.

Safe to say, it took me a while to come to terms with this pregnancy. Some days I didn’t know how to feel. Days in between that, I hated how I felt. Many days I hated that I was pregnant. Days in between those, I felt so guilty for being mad, and I felt ungrateful for not immediately appreciating such a blessing. Part of the problem was I don’t like or enjoy the process of being pregnant and I’m still not sure if the end justifies the means (🤣😇 JK. It totally does. Most days😝). Nine months is a frigging long time to be uncomfortable for and I just wasn’t ready to do it all over again. I was mad. I was frustrated. I was sad. Borderline depressed. I even thought some pretty awful thoughts every now and again for almost the entire of my first trimester. 

I was emotional and mean. I was mad at my husband for no reason except that he wasn’t physically feeling and experiencing the absolute misery I was in. I was mad at myself for thinking I would be the one woman who could make the myth of not getting pregnant while breastfeeding an actual truth… with the luck I have that was a pretty dumb expectation. I had major nausea and puked every day, I came down with the flu that knocked me out for about 3 weeks straight. The weather outside was all doom and gloom – that didn’t help. Pheeww! It was a long three months.

I did finally come to terms with this new life I am creating knowing that God has a plan even before it was conceived. I console myself with the knowledge that both of my kids will have the strongest bond ever; a luxury I don’t have with my sisters because of the age gap. Also, silver lining is, I can have sex whenever I want and not worry about getting pregnant because birth controls are the worse! We will have a girl (fingers crossed). And my favorite, no period for the next year and a half. Can’t beat those pros.

I am now in my second trimester, I am out of the woods with morning sickness and being a hormonal mess (mostly). I am so so excited to be a freshly new mom and I’m tots looking forward to getting my tubes tied as soon as this babe is born so I never have to deal with this again. #isaidwhatisaid.

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2 Comments

  1. 😂congratulations darling. Totally understand how you feel about not knowing how to feel. I’ve had 2 miscarriages and I also didn’t know how to feel. I was surprised why I didn’t cry and why I had no one with me but was still able to move on in just one day. I finally cried for my first but I still haven’t shed a tear for my 2nd. Genesis probably also got me going. In other news, you look absolutely great and super thin lol pls start eating well well and let hubby take care of Gabriel. Put you feet up girl. Love you. Your life is definitely such a blessing!

    1. I’m so sorry to hear! You are strong and resilient ❤️
      Thank you 😍
      I am seriously trying to gain weight o…. you should see how I eat but I think the physical labor I put in with Gabriel won’t allow me be great 😂🤣 maybe I should eat more 🍔
      Thanks mama, love ya 💪🏾🙌🏾❤️

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