I am pregnant!
No, not with a burger. With a human child, for the second time. Yep, our first son will be under two years old when we deliver. What was I thinking, you ask? Weeelll, I totally wasn’t. Have you seen my husband?Ya can’t resist such a hunky piece of man who loves you, change as many diapers as you did, doesn’t care about all the flabby loose skin hanging around your body, and just got a hair cut (insert many inappropraite emojis here)
On a more serious note though, this pregnancy was a weird one to come to terms with because I found out I was pregnant shortly after I was told I had been pregnant and had a miscarriage. I have heard miscarriages happen all the time, many times with no medical explanation for it. There wasn’t any for mine. I do really believe though, that my body was under a lot of stress and just wasn’t healthy enough to be pregnant at the point.
I had my first child in January of 2018. I was bottle-feeding breast milk that I pumped (if you are a solely pumping mom, you know you do that 8 times a day), and was working a 9-5. I went back to work some 3 weeks after delivery not giving my body enough time to heal and recover fully from my c-section. That with some other external and internal factors all took such a toll on me and my body. My hormones were all over the place and my emotions were a roller coaster. I was so stressed out and struggling so hard to keep my head above water. I’m a pro at smiling through my pain and have mastered my calm-on-the-surface look so you couldn’t have noticed.
The doctor couldn’t pinpoint when I was pregnant or how long we carried it for before it miscarried but we assume it was in October. Quick timeline – I got my period back in September, 8 months after delivery. Pretty normal cycle. I also got my period in October. Seemed pretty normal to me except, I had slightly more cramps than I’m used to and it lasted longer than usual. Obviously, didn’t pay that any mind, I assumed it was being a weird cycle as a result of just having given birth, still breastfeeding, stress, etc. Also, I was busy working and taking care of my 8 month old. Also, Eve ate that apple so I naturally presume I deserve a little pain… In about mid November, when I visited my PCP, due to some abdominal pain I was having (and google freaking me out), they confirmed I had been pregnant and miscarried. My HCG levels were high which meant it was a very recent pregnancy. So that “period” in October must have been the miscarrying.
Then, we found out we were pregnant a few weeks later. You can imagine how jumbled up my emotions were. I hadn’t finished processing the miscarriage, I didn’t know if I was sad or not. I’m still not sure I know now. I didn’t know what to make of this new pregnancy, I didn’t know how to feel. There are ways you think you should feel about a miscarriage and/or a pregnancy and I wasn’t sure I was feeling any of that. It was all a lot to process and it was hard.
Safe to say, it took me a while to come to terms with this pregnancy. Some days I didn’t know how to feel. Days in between that, I hated how I felt. Many days I hated that I was pregnant. Days in between those, I felt so guilty for being mad, and I felt ungrateful for not immediately appreciating such a blessing. Part of the problem was I don’t like or enjoy the process of being pregnant and I’m still not sure if the end justifies the means ( JK. It totally does. Most days). Nine months is a frigging long time to be uncomfortable for and I just wasn’t ready to do it all over again. I was mad. I was frustrated. I was sad. Borderline depressed. I even thought some pretty awful thoughts every now and again for almost the entire of my first trimester.
I was emotional and mean. I was mad at my husband for no reason except that he wasn’t physically feeling and experiencing the absolute misery I was in. I was mad at myself for thinking I would be the one woman who could make the myth of not getting pregnant while breastfeeding an actual truth… with the luck I have that was a pretty dumb expectation. I had major nausea and puked every day, I came down with the flu that knocked me out for about 3 weeks straight. The weather outside was all doom and gloom – that didn’t help. Pheeww! It was a long three months.
I did finally come to terms with this new life I am creating knowing that God has a plan even before it was conceived. I console myself with the knowledge that both of my kids will have the strongest bond ever; a luxury I don’t have with my sisters because of the age gap. Also, silver lining is, I can have sex whenever I want and not worry about getting pregnant because birth controls are the worse! We will have a girl (fingers crossed). And my favorite, no period for the next year and a half. Can’t beat those pros.
I am now in my second trimester, I am out of the woods with morning sickness and being a hormonal mess (mostly). I am so so excited to be a freshly new mom and I’m tots looking forward to getting my tubes tied as soon as this babe is born so I never have to deal with this again. #isaidwhatisaid.